How to make peace with grandparents looking after the grandchildren

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SINGAPORE – As a first-time mother back in 2020, Mrs Rachel Ho had read up extensively on how she would care for her son, Noah – from feeding him solids to trying the “correct” sleeping methods to using baby sign language. 

 

The 32-year-old communications manager and her husband decided to adopt baby-led weaning, a popular style of feeding among young parents that skips purees and spoon-feeding and allows babies to feed themselves finger food from about six months on. 

 

This was mind-boggling to her mother, Mrs Lilian Au-Yong, 62. 

 

“How can a child with no teeth eat a piece of chicken?” she says. “It’s also very messy and wasteful – there’s more food on the floor than anywhere else.

 

“I had to hold my breath every time he eats, but Rachel told me this method has been tested and he’s not choking but gagging, and that’s okay,” says Mrs Au-Yong, who runs a software development firm and works from home.

 

She has taken care of Noah, who is now 2½ years old, a few times a week since he was an infant, and followed the method adopted by her daughter. Noah also goes over to his great-grandmother’s and paternal grandmother’s homes every week. 

 

“I told her I’ll do my best, but you can’t fault me for not matching your standard 100 per cent,” says Mrs Au-Yong, who followed cooking recipes her daughter printed out for her and also recorded Noah’s daily naps and feeding details in a notebook.

 

Differing parenting practices and philosophies between generations over what is best for a child are common – from disciplinary methods, sleep or screen-time rules. These can sometimes result in conflicts or clashes within families.

 

Based on a report by the Ministry of Social and Family Development, the number of three-generation (3G) households with at least one member who was 65 years old or older rose from 86,600 in 2010 to 106,200 in 2020. These made up 78.6 per cent of 3G households in 2020, compared with 67.1 per cent in 2010. 

 

In around 25 per cent of 3G households, the youngest member was aged below seven years and the oldest person aged at least 65 years – up from 23.2 per cent in 2010. 

 

Respect one another

 

Parents are primarily responsible for their own children, and grandparents must respect that, say experts.

 

Dr Kelvin Tan, head of the Singapore University of Social Sciences’ Minor in Applied Ageing Studies, says: “Parents know their own children the best and, in most cases, plan their schedule and rules. Hence grandparents should ideally take direction from the parents and avoid overstepping their boundaries.”

 

Most parents are stricter and play the disciplinarian role, while grandparents tend to be doting, he says. 

 

“You can’t really change this because grandparents are at a different stage of their life course, so they tend to be more forgiving and relaxed, whereas parents are the ones feeling responsible and pressured about raising their children,” he adds.

 

But if grandparents regularly allow the children to break their parents’ rules, over screen time or eating junk food, for example, this would result in double standards and render such rules ineffective, as children tend to choose the easy way out, he says. 

 

Ms Nah Kiat Yong, associate counsellor from Focus on the Family Singapore, says grandparents undermine parents’ efforts if they see their role as “indulgent without any responsibility of discipline”. 

 

Some grandparents impose their style, thinking that they have more experience, she says. “Some of them give unsolicited advice and relax rules set by parents while others assume control of parenting rights to make decisions,” she adds.

 

“Some contribute financially and/or provide a roof and think they should have a say. There are also cultural factors like deferring to elders, where elders have authority over all in the family.”

 

Mrs Au-Yong says: “Our role is to provide support, and to give our children the freedom to make mistakes too. Don’t always try to tell them what to do.

 

“At the same time, young parents also shouldn’t dismiss grandparents as fuddy-duddy. There are things to learn from old-school ways. We have gone through a lot to bring them up.”

 

Ms Nah says parents should also respect boundaries set by grandparents and not impose excessively on them.

 

“Grandparents need to say no if they can’t cope or are uncomfortable to babysit or provide other support,” she says. “Older caregivers may be struggling with their own health problems, which may limit their ability to care for their grandchild.”

 

She adds: “Over time, grandparents might also grow weary while caregiving as they lack time and space for their personal growth – perhaps upkeeping personal communities and friendships – as most time is spent with the grandchildren instead.”

 

Understand one another

 

Ms Nah says parents and grandparents should seek to understand one another’s motivations and assume both sides have good intentions.

 

“Start discussions with positivity and appreciation, and acknowledge contributions to the family,” she says. “Talk things through when both sides are calm and in a good place.

 

“Don’t accumulate and tolerate, then explode. Be honest and assertive,” she adds.

 

Let your partner handle his or her own parents.

 

Says Dr Tan: “In addition, how you treat your own parents will set an example for your children. It’s best not to have arguments in front of the children.”

 

Grandparents must also acknowledge that times have changed, he adds. “They have to be more aware and resourceful in looking for information, rather than depend on word-of-mouth transmission of knowledge or what their friends say or what worked for them in the past.” 

 

Mrs Ho, whose younger son Jonah is turning a year old in May, says: “To the grandmothers’ credit, they followed our wishes (over Noah). It wasn’t without complaints, but they did it.

 

“I could see my mother trying to read up about baby sign language because I was doing that. She read up about no screen time, about the difference between gagging and choking.” 

 

“Grandparents need to be humble enough to know that things have changed, and then similarly, our generation needs to be humble enough to know that our parents’ experience doesn’t count for nothing,” she says.

 

Madam Monica Leng, 63, an assistant childcare teacher who looks after her seven-year-old granddaughter, says: “I don’t have many conflicts with my daughter as she trusts me. If she wants me to handle her daughter, she has to trust me.

 

“We will just talk it out if there’s any slight disagreement… We know we both want the best for her in the end.” 

 

Prioritise relationships over rules

 

Experts say the benefits of having grandparents’ care are well-documented. 

 

Ms Nah says one upside for a child is the bonding with grandparents, who can be role models for providing comfort and unconditional love. This can help in a child’s emotional and social development. 

 

Grandparents may also provide insights into family heritage and traditions within the larger family, she adds. 

 

Madam Leng, who lives with her granddaughter and daughter, says this season of grandparenting is “like being a parent all over again”. 

 

“Because my daughter used to come back very late from work, I would handle my granddaughter’s night-time routine and sleep with her. We are very close and, until now, she will call me if I’m not home by a certain time and wait for me.”

 

Pick your battles, says Ms Nah, and back off on less important matters as opposed to deal-breakers that may result in negative behaviour or health issues, like requiring children to be in car seats or not consuming processed food.

 

Mrs Ho says she learnt to be more flexible over time. “I think I also mellowed as the months went by and realised that how they ate or slept isn’t going to have a materially significant impact on them.

 

“You can focus on food or sleep, but ultimately, the biggest emphasis should be the relationship between us and our parents, between our children and their grandparents.”

 

She adds: “Part of it also is learning that we are dependent on their help. So, to a certain extent, you’ve got to close one eye.

 

“I can live with my children sleeping a little bit later, if it means they are building good memories with their grandparents.”

 

Says Mrs Au-Yong: “Noah enjoys staying over at our place with us. We do all sorts of things together, like playing scooter, reading books, doing puzzles or taking him out.

 

“Since he was 18 months, he has attended a half-day programme at pre-school. We prefer it this way as we want to spend the rest of the day with him.”

 

She adds: “Both parents and grandparents must remember we want the best for the child. Sometimes, there are different ways of getting there, and we just need to cut one another some slack.” 

 

 

Source: The Straits Times © SPH Media Limited. Reproduced with permission.

 

 

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