Minor Issues: 3 things I want my kids to learn from their grandma

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SINGAPORE – My father left my life when I was seven. He died of cancer. As a young boy, I would look at families with two parents with envy.

 

Little did I know, being raised by a single mum would be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

 

My mother has been a role model all my life. Without another parent to rely on, she was always on duty.

 

Concepts like “work-life balance” and “downtime” did not exist in her lexicon. Her single luxury was to take an afternoon nap on Sundays.

 

Aside from the weekly nap, my mum’s schedule was punishing. Her job as a primary school teacher had her teaching in the day and marking assignments late into the night.

 

When she was not working, her life revolved around cooking, cleaning and raising my younger sister and me.

 

We had household chores, but mostly we just created more work for her after we “completed” our chores.

 

On top of everything, my mum shouldered most of the burden of caring for her mother-in-law, who suffered from dementia. In her later years, my grandma was tough to care for because she was periodically violent and irrational as the disease ravaged her mind.

 

What three things do I want my kids to learn from their grandmother?

 

Resilience

 

Even in the darkest hours of hardship, my mum would say: “I promised your father that I would raise you. And I will get it done.”

 

She vowed that she would raise her kids without the need for charity or sympathy from others. “I do not steal, cheat or beg for money. What we have, I earned with my own two hands,” she used to say.

 

Money was sometimes tight, and family treats were visits to the hawker centre for a meal together.

 

As we were growing up, she was shunned by the other members of her family because of her religious faith, one she had taken on at my dying father’s request.

 

The number of family gatherings that our family got invited to dropped precipitously, and people would make unkind remarks belittling her new faith. But the loneliness, lack of resources and suffering did not break her.

 

Miraculously, each morning, after falling into bed completely exhausted, mum would be restored and ready to take on the challenges of the new day.

 

Despite everything, somehow she found a hidden reserve to push through the difficulties, bouncing back to raise us until we got into university.

 

Love

 

My mother loved us unconditionally. I never doubted that I had her support, no matter how badly I messed up.

 

I remember disappointing her repeatedly during my school years.

 

Through primary school, to cope with the grief of losing my father, I turned to eating. Junk food and sodas were both comfort and entertainment in equal measure. My unhealthy preoccupation with food distracted me from my studies and I was a poor student.

 

I was plump to begin with. But with unhealthy snacks and drinks, my weight ballooned. Being overweight resulted in me being fat-shamed. This led me to become withdrawn and easily irritable. The smallest things would set me off, resulting in fights with other classmates.

 

Poor grades and physical altercations led to frequent discipline issues at school, and my mother was regularly summoned by my teachers.

 

After each consultation, she would try to reason with me. “I am a teacher too. How do you think I feel when a fellow teacher points out all the things my son is doing wrong in school?”

 

Still, at the end of each mother-son chat, she would tell me that she continued to believe in me, choosing to see my better self, even though I gave her little reason to do so.

 

In many ways, while money was tight in the family, I was not poor because I was richly loved.

 

Family comes first

 

Mum would teach us that there was nothing more important than family.

 

Despite being shunned, scolded and often looked down upon, she continued to love her family members dearly.

 

I have seen my mother turn the other cheek more times than I care to remember. And she would lend a hand to help out in family emergencies.

 

During school holidays, she would round up all the cousins and take us to East Coast Park. We would rent bicycles and cycle the length of the park, have a barbecue, and talk late into the night as we roughed it out in a chalet by the beach.

 

Many of my cousins have fond memories of those epic holiday outings, even though they are well into middle age now.

 

From her modest primary school teacher’s salary, she would fund these adventures for as many as 10 kids.

 

To save money, she would pre-cook meals at home and take along massive bags of snacks, fruit and drinks to avoid paying the exorbitant prices at the park.

 

Her unwavering love for the family sets the bar high, and it is one I strive to reach in raising my own boys.

 

Mum just turned 78 recently, but her lessons of resilience, love and family are the guiding lights for our lives, ensuring we are prepared for whatever adventures life throws our way.

 

Abel Ang is the chief executive of a medical technology company and an adjunct professor at Nanyang Business School.

 

 

Source: The Straits Times © SPH Media Limited. Reproduced with permission.

 

 

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