Sumiko At 61: ‘You’re not a head-turner but a page-turner’ – love and marriage after 60

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Silver marriages bring joy but acceptance, assets and adjustment are challenges to overcome.

 

Mr Thomas Lee’s description of his wife Jasmine Tan will raise eyebrows.

 

“When she asked me if I found her attractive, I said, ‘No, you are not a head-turner, you are a page-turner’,” he says.

 

Ms Tan doesn’t bat an eyelid at this. She just smiles slightly, and it is the smile of someone secure in her own skin. 

 

The couple, both 66, married in 2023 after a whirlwind romance. They met in May and tied the knot in November.

 

Mr Lee, a retired construction and project manager, says he was drawn to how she was engaging, easy to talk to and “a wonderful storyteller”.

 

Ms Tan, a former lawyer and now culinary author and tourist guide, was impressed by his breadth of knowledge and the way he never made a show of it.

 

“His knowledge in botany, in poetry, it’s not in your face. He knows a lot more than me,” she says.

 

Hearing this, Mr Lee arches his eyebrows and jokes: “I never knew I knew so much.”

 

Their marriage is part of a small but growing trend of later-life unions, or “silver marriages”.

 

In 2023, there were 136 marriages in Singapore where the groom and bride were both 60 years and older. Most of these seniors were divorcees, followed by those widowed, then those marrying for the first time.

 

Between 2015 and 2020, such marriages numbered from 73 to 97. In 2010, there were 37 and in 2000, just 15.

 

With people living longer and attitudes towards marriage evolving, such unions are likely to become more common.

 

Sociologist Paulin Straughan says the traditional concept of marriage in Singapore has been youth-oriented and focused on “family formation”.

 

But this view has been challenged, such as by married couples who opt to be child-free. For them, marriage is more about love and companionship than bearing offspring. This approach to marriage is shared by silver marriages.

 

Professor Straughan, director of the Centre for Research on Successful Ageing at Singapore Management University, adds that silver marriages are more common in the West. “Grey grooms and brides don’t make headlines there any more.”

 

While there is still some social stigma attached to older people falling in love and getting married, attitudes are changing, agrees Ms Rachel Tan, head of the Strengthening Families Programme @ Family Service Centre (Fei Yue – Choa Chu Kang).

 

“More people recognise that love and companionship are important at any age and everyone deserves the opportunity to find happiness and fulfilment in a relationship,” she says.

 

Mr Lee and Ms Tan found love after loss.

 

Mr Lee’s first wife, Rachel, died of cancer in 2020 at the age of 63. They had been happily married for 36 years with two sons, now aged 38 and 33.

 

Ms Tan’s first marriage in her early 20s ended in divorce. She has a son and daughter from that marriage, now aged 42 and 40. 

 

When she was about 40, she married her second husband, Brian, a British interior designer. She took his surname, Adams, and uses Jasmine Adams professionally. Mr Adams, who was 20 years older, died in 2019. She has a 25-year-old son from this marriage.

 

A mutual friend introduced her and Mr Lee, though their first meeting in May 2023 was marked by miscommunication.

 

Mr Lee, who is a retired Christian lay preacher, had set up a charity in 2022 called Water For Living to distribute water pumps in Batam. He thought Ms Tan wanted to interview him about the project. “Romance was never on my mind.”

 

She saw it as a chance to meet someone whose spouse had also died, without expecting anything serious. She picked Plaza Singapura as it was busy and “somewhere you can disappear” if things got awkward. But they hit it off, talking at Din Tai Fung until closing.

 

Heading home, they took the North East Line from Dhoby Ghaut MRT – she to her semi-detached house near Farrer Park and he to his Potong Pasir flat two stops away.

 

Mr Lee surprised her by saying he would walk her home from Farrer Park station.

 

“I said, ‘No problem, I walk home all the time, and what time is this? 10 o’clock? How to be scared, right, this is Singapore’,” Ms Tan recalls.

 

“But I had to be a gentleman,” Mr Lee says.

 

Their second outing was an eating session with her friends. For their third date, he took her to dinner for her birthday. The Chinatown restaurant she wanted was closed for renovations, so they ended up with porridge and durians.

 

As they crossed a street, he shocked her by holding her hand. “He’s so straight-laced and suddenly he holds my hand.”

 

He chuckles. “I thought I’d test the waters. If she pulls away, no chance. If she tightens her grip, got chance.” She didn’t tighten her grip, but she didn’t let go either.

 

A month after they met, Ms Tan, who was already interested in religion, asked him to take her to church. He hadn’t brought it up, but her request made him think, “there’s hope for this relationship”.

 

Marriage soon became a given because “if ever we wanted to get intimate, bring this relationship to another level, we will get married first”, he says.

 

Six months after they met, they wed in church before 500 family members and friends.

 

Acceptance from family

 

Silver marriages bring joy but also challenges. These can be boiled down to issues related to acceptance, assets and adjustment.

 

Family approval matters to late-life couples, says Ms Joanna Portilla, a marriage solemniser for 18 years.

 

“They always feel they must have their children and family’s blessings. They must also be able to blend into each other’s families or it can be complex and may lead to conflicts or misunderstandings,” she adds.

 

Prof Straughan says that children of widowed parents often worry about scams. “Their biggest fear is that somebody is out to take advantage of my parent,” she adds.

 

Mr Lee and Ms Tan experienced this at first hand. Friends warned them about being scammed when they went public with their relationship. Their children, however, were more shocked by the idea of marriage itself.

 

“It was very traumatising for my kids,” Ms Tan says with a laugh. “To them, even if he lives with me, so what? But marriage? Marriage is not necessary. It should not be on the horizon because companionship is totally fine.”

 

Mr Lee’s sons were just as stunned. “Papa, you cannot be serious,” they said. They even questioned whether he was dating Ms Tan to convert her to Christianity. He assured them it was she who had asked to go to church. Reluctantly, they agreed to meet her.

 

Ms Tan recalls their scepticism when she extolled the qualities she saw in their father. “They said they could see why he was interested in me, but what do you see in him?” she laughs. “I said ‘I found your dad very intelligent’ and they were like, ‘But no, are you wrong or what?’”

 

Eventually, all their children, including three in-laws, met for a meal without them. The gathering went surprisingly well.

 

While everyone gets along, the couple maintain clear parenting boundaries. “It’s not The Brady Bunch,” Ms Tan says, referencing the 1970s sitcom about a blended family.

 

They don’t interfere in the lives of each other’s children. There’s no big family WhatsApp group, and gatherings happen only on major occasions.

 

“Unless her kids ask, ‘Uncle Thomas, what do you think?’ I leave it to Jasmine to handle them. The same for my kids with Auntie Jasmine,” says Mr Lee.

 

The presence of late spouses often lingers in marriages between widows and widowers, even as they build new lives. It can be memories, feelings of guilt, physical reminders, or even old friends who struggle to accept their new relationship.

 

I ask Mr Lee and Ms Tan if they ever felt guilty towards their late spouses.

 

Mr Lee says he doesn’t. He and Rachel had discussed the possibility of one outliving the other. “She decided she wouldn’t remarry, but she gave me her blessing to,” he says.

 

He adds that their Christian wedding vows were “till death do us part”. “We both understood that our physical earthly relationship is only for when we are here on this earth, and once one partner has passed away, that relationship is severed,” he says.

 

Ms Tan also feels at peace. She had done all she could for Brian during their happy marriage. “It’s a stage in life, right? I’ve finished that stage, and now what can I do with my life? He would never have wanted me to be sad. So no, I don’t feel guilty. I treasure his memories.” In some ways, she now sees him as a dear friend from the past.

 

Mr Lee, who moved into Ms Tan’s home as it’s bigger than his flat, says the house is decorated with paintings drawn by Brian. “He’s a fantastic painter, I enjoy looking at them, so leave them be. That’s a part of Jasmine’s life.”

 

But he chose to give everything of Rachel’s to his children when he started a new life. “We both chose to deal with our past marriages in different ways.”

 

Let’s talk about assets

 

Couples in late-life marriages have significant assets built up over a lifetime, including real estate, cash savings and Central Provident Fund (CPF) money. 

 

If each owns an HDB flat, one flat would have to be disposed of.

 

Under HDB rules, each eligible family unit may own only one HDB flat. A married couple is considered one family unit and so can own only one flat at any one time. Couples are given six months from the date of their marriage to relinquish ownership of one of the flats. They can sell it or transfer ownership to an eligible family member.

 

If one spouse owns a private property and the other owns an HDB flat, and they live in the former, the HDB flat can be kept and rented out, subject to meeting conditions such as the minimum occupation period, says lawyer Hoon Shu Mei, director of dispute resolution at Drew & Napier.

 

Ms Hoon says it is important to discuss pre-marital assets before going into the marriage.

 

Under the Women’s Charter, matrimonial assets include assets acquired before marriage that are used by both spouses or their children or substantially improved during the marriage by either or both spouses. Assets could be anything from real estate, cars to investments.

 

This means that even if a house was acquired by one spouse before the marriage, it can be transformed into a matrimonial asset if the couple uses it as their matrimonial home and is hence ordinarily used for shelter.

 

“These properties could be vulnerable as they may be subject to division in the event parties later obtain a divorce,” says Ms Hoon.  

 

Couples may wish to enter into a prenuptial or post-nuptial agreement to agree on terms should they divorce. “These agreements could include terms stating that both parties do not have a claim on the assets acquired by the other party prior to the marriage, including the property that parties reside in,” she says.

 

If either spouse has received significant family gifts or intends to make such gifts, it would be good for the gifts to be carved out in the agreement, she adds. This would also ease the minds of adult children living in the property, or if they had been told they would be inheriting it.

 

As for CPF money, the money cannot be distributed according to a will. Marriage also does not automatically mean that your spouse would inherit your CPF money after death, says Ms Hoon.

 

After death, a person’s CPF savings will be distributed to his or her CPF nominees, which is why it’s important to ensure your nominations are in place.

 

If the person had not made a CPF nomination, the savings will be paid to the Public Trustee’s Office for distribution based on intestacy laws. These laws prioritise the distribution of assets to spouse, children, parents and so on. 

 

Ms Hoon also points out that generally, wills are automatically revoked upon marriage in Singapore. If no new will is made, intestacy laws will apply.

 

She urges those entering late-life marriages to also look into executing a lasting power of attorney (LPA). This is a legal document where you appoint someone to make personal welfare and financial decisions on your behalf if you lose mental capacity, such as if you have dementia or a stroke.

 

In the absence of an LPA, the court may appoint a deputy, who could be someone related to you by blood or marriage, a close friend or a professional.

 

“Disputes may arise if other family members do not agree with decisions made by the deputy, or there are disputes between deputies,” Ms Hoon says. It’s best to draw up an LPA so that such decision-making is within your control, she adds. 

 

Adjustment: Air-con or fan?

 

Like in all marriages, silver couples face adjustment challenges.

 

One advantage of marrying later is maturity, and partners tend to be more understanding. Those previously married also enter with clearer expectations.

 

Prof Straughan notes that young couples may wonder how their spouse will “grow up to be like”. In late marriages, “the outcome is standing in front of you”.

 

The downside? They may be too set in their ways to fully adapt to a new partner’s needs.

 

Mr Lee says Ms Tan has had to adjust to his “crankiness and idiosyncrasies”. He has had to accept that she likes to give her views on areas he believes he has the expertise on. “There is a lot of learning,” he says. “We very often realign ourselves at 3am.”

 

There are practical issues, too. He doesn’t sleep on a bed but lies on something on the floor. They compromised by getting a Japanese tatami mat though she still can’t get used to the “rustling and smell of grass”.

 

Mr Lee adds: “I’m a fan person, so I’m not used to an air-con.” They now cool the bedroom with the air-con first and sleep with the fan.

 

Health issues are a reality for seniors, making caregiving a likely part of the deal, whether giving care or receiving it.

 

Ultimately, companionship is what makes a silver marriage special.

 

Ms Tan cherishes her close female friends and enjoys their company.

 

“But sometimes, you just want to go to a restaurant with somebody, you want to take a walk, you just want a pal, right?” she says. “It is nice to have somebody from the opposite sex when you are older.” 

 

• Sumiko Tan is Chief Columnist and Senior Editor, Publications, at The Straits Times.

 

 

Source: The Straits Times © SPH Media Limited. Reproduced with permission.
Photo: The Straits Times
Written By: Sumiko Tan

 

 

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