How to get the care right, before grandma dies

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Caregiving is not going to get easier as the society ages. But we shouldn’t look at caring for our elders as a burden.

 

Nicole Chan

 

Last Sunday, I watched the emotionally charged tear-jerker How To Make Millions Before Grandma Dies, a film currently taking South-east Asia by storm.

 

Spoiler alert: This poignant movie sheds light on the South-east Asian nuances of caregiving, filial piety, and the often-overlooked autonomy of the elderly. It’s a stark reminder of the rich, complex lives our elders have led and the desires and dreams they continue to harbour, even as society reduces them to mere figures of whimsy and nostalgia.

 

Aside from making me reach for the tissues, the film got me thinking about the dual perspectives of caregiving. On the one hand, you have the caregivers, often overwhelmed with responsibilities, and on the other, the recipients of care, who still possess wisdom and autonomy despite their age. With people living longer than ever and Singaporeans having fewer babies, the burden of caregiving will increasingly fall on fewer shoulders. So, do we strike the balance between leading our own lives and supporting our elders?

 

This question became personal for me earlier this year when my grandmother suffered a stroke. It was a wake-up call, prompting me to reassess my financial preparedness, familial responsibilities, and life trajectory. My partner, a Malaysian-turned-Singaporean PR who has been working in Singapore for two years, faced a harsher reality. He experienced the deaths of three grandparents within this period, two of which he could only attend online, depriving him of closure and adding stress to his already demanding life abroad.

 

The caregiving crunch

 

Growing up, my sole grandmother was my anchor. We shared an inexplicable bond – she took me to tuition, art, and music classes, and listened to me when my parents couldn’t. Much of my empathy and character were shaped by her alone. She faced hardships early on, losing her husband in her 40s and working three jobs to support her three children. At times, she would open up about her tough childhood, marked by the absence of her birth mother.

 

Now, it’s my duty to give back. At 93, she’s had relatively few health scares, for which I am deeply grateful, but I understand that this could change at any moment. These days, I make sure to watch television with her, play mahjong, take her out for meals, and prioritise spending more time with her, even as the demands of work and life continue to grow.

 

But in a high-cost city like Singapore, the juggling act of filial piety, career development, and financial pressures can feel overwhelming, leaving little room for spontaneity and self-care. This makes us anxious, even when we are young.

 

Also, as the film illustrates, female caregivers shoulder an unequal burden. This is portrayed through the contrasting treatment of the two sons – one struggling and the other a successful broker – and the sole daughter who sacrifices education and career to care for her mother.

 

The AARP Public Policy Institute reports that although men are increasingly taking on caregiving roles, the average caregiver remains a 49-year-old working woman. The demands of caregiving are expected to intensify. In 2010, the ratio of potential caregivers to those needing care was seven to one, according to AARP. By 2030, this ratio is predicted to drop to four to one, and by 2050 – when Gen Z will be in need of care – it will be three to one. If unaddressed, this caregiving crisis is likely to impact millennials and Gen Z more severely than it has affected Gen X.

 

Closer to home, a Straits Times poll surveying thousands of millennials across South-east Asia paints a similar picture of a generation grappling with stress, striving to redefine success on their terms. For Singaporean Gen Zs, some of the greatest concerns are ageing parents, mental health, and finding meaning in life.

 

As society continues to evolve, so too do the roles, responsibilities and anxieties of each generation.

 

Care as a human connection

 

With Singapore’s rapidly ageing population, the number of caregivers, estimated at over 210,000, is increasing. Similar to trends in Japan, South Korea and China, Singapore faces low birth rates amid reaching “super-aged” society status by 2030. The inaugural Global Carer Well-Being Index from Embracing Carers found that 25 per cent of Gen Z and millennial caregivers were in caregiving roles for the first time during the pandemic, compared with 15 per cent of Gen X and Boomer caregivers. Overall, 20 per cent of caregivers surveyed were new to caregiving, and 60 per cent of them were Gen Z or Millennials.

 

Ms Bianca Padilla, co-founder and CEO of Carewell, notes that young adults often experience deteriorating mental health due to caregiving responsibilities. Managing multiple roles can lead to depression, sleep disturbances, and social anxiety among young caregivers.

 

Caregiving has always been essential and invaluable. Understanding its true value, both socially and economically, requires seeing care not as a service but as a relationship rooted in human connection. Mr Jamie Merisotis, president of the non-profit Lumina Foundation, describes this as “human work” – the kind of work only people can do. This human element becomes even more crucial as automation threatens many jobs.

 

In the movie, what made the lead protagonist’s care for his grandmother so profoundly moving was exactly this “human”, intimate approach: he didn’t rely on lavish facilities or financial support, but instead, he gave her the most precious thing he had – his time and unwavering companionship. He was there with her through every chemotherapy treatment, offering comfort during her loneliest and most painful moments.

 

As Singapore moves towards becoming a super-aged society by 2026, expanding and refining eldercare options is not just a matter of public policy but a societal imperative. Ensuring that the elderly are well-cared for and that their caregivers receive adequate support will require concerted efforts across all sectors.

 

Caring for caregivers

 

The focus must be on creating a holistic, inclusive eldercare system that can adapt to the evolving needs of its senior citizens, thereby providing them with dignity, comfort, and a high quality of life in their later years.

 

There is also a pressing need for improved support systems to help caregivers manage their responsibilities without compromising their well-being. Experts also believe that effective eldercare benefits not only the elderly but also younger generations.

 

This is especially true for the “missing middle” – seniors who find themselves in a grey area where they cannot live entirely independently but are not ill enough to require nursing home care. Experts in the field advocate for a shift from reactive to preventive eldercare measures. This involves not only addressing immediate needs but also focusing on long-term wellness to reduce the incidence of severe health declines.

 

The Government and the private sector should also work together to come up with solutions. This could involve subsidising costs to make assisted living more affordable, implementing new technologies for remote monitoring and care, or creating more comprehensive training programmes for caregivers to ensure high standards of care.

 

We should recognise that age is no barrier to learning and growth. We have come a long way. The seniors in my life belonged to a generation of resourceful and self-taught learners. My grandmother, for instance, was a fixture in front of the 6pm news, diligently teaching herself languages without any formal schooling.

 

Several government initiatives are already in place. These include increased financial assistance for caregivers and measures to combat workplace discrimination against the elderly. Meanwhile, one programme for young caregivers addresses the mental health issues that they themselves may face. The elderly, on the other hand, can keep their brains ticking with courses available for them at the National Silver Academy.

 

Home is where the heart is

 

As Gen Z navigates the complexities of caregiving, financial pressures and mental health challenges, it is crucial for society to support and adapt to their needs. By redefining caregiving and implementing innovative solutions, we can ensure a healthier, more balanced future for both young and old.

 

One line from the movie that stuck with me is: “You know what’s the best thing us as grandkids can give them? Our time.” It’s not about money or the best facilities; sometimes, it’s just about being there as they live out their days.

 

The question we must ask ourselves is: Are we ready to invest our hearts and resources in supporting those who have always supported us?

 

• Nicole Chan is a freelance writer and a recent graduate with an honours degree in linguistics and anthropology from the University of Edinburgh.

 

 

Source: The Straits Times © SPH Media Limited. Reproduced with permission.

 

 

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